Have you ever wondered how it would be if you got to know yourself for the first time? This week, I had a moment with myself like no other before.
But first, let me show you where I am right now.
I’m sitting in bed in my camper van, and if I look up from my computer, I see a window. Through the window, I see the hills and trees of the black forest. Every morning, when I wake up and open my blinds, I feel I’m camping in the wilderness. There are no houses, no streets, no cars. Only wild-grown grass, bushes, and tree crowns. They all blend into each other like a painting of autumn. It’s mesmerising. Sometimes, I imagine what it would be like to own a camper van, travel around and wake up in new destinations every day.
Hmmm, how would it feel to open the blinds each morning and look at a new scenery?
For now, I’m in Gernsback.
For now, my view is the black forest.
I wonder if I can look at the same view with fresh eyes each morning.
Would it be possible to rediscover something new every day?
What about the people in our lives.
Could we see each other anew each day?
Rediscover the person in front of us?
And how would it feel if we did that?
Or how about ourselves?
How would it feel to wake up each morning and ask new questions?
How would life feel if we started to appreciate and wonder about ourselves daily?
Isn’t every day a completely new experience?
Let me tell you what brought up all those questions. From my last two blog posts, you know that I’m volunteering on a farm in Germany. I started doing yin yoga in the evenings to unwind from the day. Restorative yoga is where you prop yourself up with pillows and rest in your stretches for as long as you want.
I like to call yin yoga a hug from the inside.
This week, on Wednesday, I needed exactly that. I felt tired from my day, and my mind was uneasy. I had spent all day being challenged by my thoughts. They kept circling in negative patterns, and since I now understand that I can’t have bad days, only bad thoughts, I felt frustrated at myself. So once I gave all the animals their dinner, I retreated to “the office,” where we have yoga mats and, most importantly, heating!
I lay down and began my practice. At first, I focused my mind on my body. I talked to it in soothing tones, and eventually, a thought came up from a few days ago when someone said something that I perceived as unkind. As soon as that thought came to my mind, a voice said, ‘And how about you, Anja? How did you talk to yourself today?’
That almost brought me to tears because I realised how negative I had been. I understand that I’m not my thoughts. I know I can let them go like a balloon filled with helium and pick new ones. I understand all that. It’s just that some days, letting go of a thought comes easier; other days, it’s tough! I realised that some days, I’m at the buffet and keep picking up food I don’t like. That’s an image shared in this blog post: How thoughts affect our life.
I felt the urge to look at myself, so I got off the yoga mat and sat in front of the mirror.
Here, I relaxed.
Here, I breathed.
Here, I looked deep into my eyes and saw the sadness coming out of this human that is me and that I had forgotten to love.
For the first five minutes, I simply sat with myself. I looked deep into my eyes. I reconnected with that beautiful thing in front of me that I had taken for granted.
And then I remembered something I read by Martha Beck. She said, ‘To awaken curiosity, try to look at something and make the sound “Hmmm”.’
So, as I looked at myself, I made the sound “Hmmm”. Immediately, the corner of my eyes lifted, and the sadness transformed into curiosity. Like a button, a switch had turned on. I went again, “Hmmm”, and now I started to laugh at myself. Again, “Hmmmm”, I discovered my freckles, slightly red nose, and tender lips. I kept scanning my face and REMEMBERING who I was. The being that I am. The face that I wear.
And then, as the music changed in the background, I felt the urge to take my curiosity to the next level and use my fingers to trace my face. I rediscovered my face through touch. I traced the shape of my nose, lips, and eyes. I ran my fingers down my cheeks, jaw, and chin. I traced my forehead and eyebrows. I even traced my throat. I had so much fun being touched in a tender and loving way and being paid attention to.
Afterwards, I took my right hand and laid my left cheek in its warmth. I sat, holding my face, and closed my eyes. I focused on the touch between me and myself—my hand and face. I used my thumb to gently caress my cheek. I started to hum. I soothed my whole body like a mother would soothe a child. And then, I told myself everything I wanted to hear.
All those tender, loving, and kind words I longed for but never heard. Will others ever fully understand what we need?
I realised at that moment that I was the love of my life.
I’m the one person who is always with me every moment of every day.
I’m the one who has my back, who sits with me through every emotion and every experience.
I wondered how my life would be if I gave myself the same amount of time and attention I give to the people in my life.
How would I feel if, whenever I needed to hear something, I’d sit in front of the mirror, look deep into my eyes, and talk to myself?
How would we feel if we looked at ourselves each day with new eyes and became curious about the person we see in the mirror?
How do they want to be talked to today?
What do they need from us?
What words do they long to hear?
How do they want to be touched? Right now?
Could you give yourself what you need?
Right now?
Happy rediscovering.
You are waiting for you.
With love and tenderness from my heart to yours,
Anja x
