In the flow, I was not. No, had an agenda in my mind. I was walking through Carnaby Street and had my earphones in. I knew I had to get to my client for a specific time to pick up the phone charger I had forgotten the week before. Then I had plans to meet my friend for lunch at 1pm.
I was walking and walking. My hair moved in the wind, and my steps were fast. Suddenly, a young man, I guess he was in his early 30s, walked up to me and joined me in my steps. He was tall and had blonde shoulder-length hair.
I took my headphones out but continued walking.
He smiled and said, ‘I’m sorry to interrupt you. It is clear that you have places to be, but I have to talk to you. Your energy feels amazing, and I love your style.’ (No one’s ever complimented my style!)
He lifted his hands up in the air as if he was amazed.
I smiled back at him and said, ‘Oh, thank you so much. That’s really kind of you.’
And then.
Then I high-fived him.
Just like that. In the middle of Carnaby Street. He looked at me, confused; his hands were still in the air. And in I went for a second high-five because why would I not? Instead of high-fiving me back, he took my hand and spun me around.
I was stunned. What just happened?
I had an agenda, so I continued walking. He walked beside me and said: ‘I’m Swedish, and we are direct. I would love to know what’s hiding behind this angelic face and invite you to a reeeeally good glass of wine.’
Then and there, I did what I always do: I froze, smiled, and said with blinking eyes, ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I’m in a relationship’ (which I’m not).
He nodded, and we bid farewell.
Here’s the thing. I loved that interaction. I thought he was fun. I liked his spontaneous energy, and I didn’t feel like he was being creepy. I thought he was being lighthearted and brave. I would have loved to sit down with him to have a chat. Why do I keep blocking friendly men away?
It’s not the first time this has happened to me
At the beginning of June, I went to a festival in Berlin. On the second morning, we did a Kundalini Yoga class. The first exercise was to sit across a stranger and gaze into each other’s eyes without talking.
I sat opposite Dirk. Dirk was German, tall, blond and had a scar on his upper lip. We started crying as soon as we sat down and faced one another. Throughout the whole class, both of us kept tearing up. Since we practised beside each other, we taped on each other’s arms as if to say, ‘You’re not alone’.
I felt very safe with him. When the class ended, we sat down and discussed why we both cried. Eventually, he said, ‘I would love to see you again, Anja, and talk some more.’
My heart got excited because I wanted that, too!
I froze, got nervous and blocked him off. Even though every cell of my body wanted to know more about him.
My limiting old beliefs around male-female connections
My old belief is that I can only meet and connect with men I could see myself dating. It’s like I separate them immediately upon meeting. Do I want to know more about you (because I’m attracted to you physically) or not (because I’m not attracted)?
I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all because I realise I’m missing out on some wonderful friendships. Why does every connection between a man and a woman (if that’s what you’re attracted to) have to be sexually charged?
Can’t we just meet and chat and enjoy each other’s company?
Is it possible to meet without having an agenda for where this is going and instead focus on the present moment and the fact that we find each other interesting?
In other words, I long for deep, soulful relationships with people I feel connected with. This has been at the forefront of my mind since I met Dirk. I would have loved to explore this connection with him rather than immediately declining him because I was not interested in him romantically. Out of my own fear of having to turn him down in the future, I may add.
With that lovely guy that walked up to me yesterday, it’s the same. This old pattern of mine is blocking the flow of life. And I don’t like it. When there’s a special connection, you feel it. You know it. And you deserve to explore it.
A Course in Miracles emphasises how every encounter is a holy encounter. Every relationship offers us the opportunity to transcend the ego’s false perception and instead see it as an opportunity for you to make the relationship not about conflict, separation, and fear— but instead, love.
And Love connects. Love always wants what’s best for all of us.
And yes, any woman will know that we had to learn to defend ourselves to protect ourselves. Our radar had to be turned up very high because most of us, if not all, have had men crossing a line. The older I get, the more I realise this protection mechanism might have worked as a teenager. But now, I’m seeking real connections. I no longer want to walk through life bouncing everyone off. I know my role in this and want to strengthen my communication. So that if I’m sitting opposite a man who wants more than just to talk to me, I can say: ‘I feel a special connection with you, and I would love to explore it as friends. However, I am not interested in anything more than that.’ Like a rose, I want to be gentle, soft, and blooming, yet know my strength and boundaries.
The right lessons at the right time
I believe Love always offers us opportunities for growth and healing. Then, we choose whether we are ready to do the work and lean into the lesson. Or not.
We may have just been through a lot and want to chill out for a while. I get that. I’ve been there. And then eventually, a couple of weeks or months later, a new opportunity, similar to the one before, arises, and we can, again, choose if we are ready to tackle the lesson. By the way, Love can be replaced by anything that works for you, God, Divine, Universe, or whatever you prefer.
After the festival in Berlin, I had a conversation with a friend of mine who is a woman with many male friendships. I told her that I was ready to let go of this old thinking pattern of mine and instead honour the connection I feel towards a person. Male or female.
This last week, I had three encounters with men that brought out the lesson I so dearly want to learn. I reacted to all of them differently, but it is clear that Love is testing me right now.
Can I sit with the discomfort of the old patterns and beliefs coming up for me?
Can I enjoy this person’s company, look into their eyes, and listen to their stories without making a plan to fight or flight?
Can I be patient with myself as I untangle the net of old thinking and create a new, softer, kinder one?
We shall see. I’m meeting with someone today with whom I agreed to have coffee.
With Love,
Anja
